In the month I stayed in my childhood home following my mother's death, going through thousands of unorganised papers, largely looking for a signed copy of the will but trying also to keep together / mark clearly anything that might be relevant for the future.

In that month, I changed my appearance in two ways. I changed my dark red lipstick to a slightly softer, less Goth and hence less youthful colour. And I stopped wearing a fringe/bangs. I changed two elements of my appearance that made me look younger, because I felt I shouldn't, couldn't look that young.

I had lost the person I spoke to in my consciousness the last twenty-odd years. I had lost my second self.